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Webmaster's Journal Excerpts

(These are excerpts from journals written in 2002. This data is not as 'truthful' as the others on the main page because Jen and Hojo would regularly access and check the blog to which it was posted. Living with them at the time, it was composed as to potentially not offend them.)

Less than Two Weeks In...
i swear to god im cracking up. i keep seeing more and more things that arent there, or shouldnt be there. and now i hear clock towers. i dont understand whats going on upstairs but i dont like it. i dont say anything to anyone about it aside from when the seeing swipes at me really badly. i think it seems almost contrived, and clearly unbelievable.

even here.

ive never seen before. why would i see now?

i dont know whats in the air and i dont like it. the board wont work. no amae even. i dont like it no matter what jenova says. amae ALWAYS comes to talk to me. always.

work was dull. nothing interesting really happened. i wore my gir naked shirt. i got three compliments and and invitation to see someones band play because of it. if i was 21. which i wasnt. but i got into lots of conversations about vasquez.

im hungry. really hungry. but i dont know. i wont say anything. everyone at work seems astounded how fast i can eat.

god i wish life was easier for me...i hate bitching but its rough. the money troubles are fluttering in my head like hummingbirds. i feel like im going to be putting a major part of the income here into their hands...all my money will go to my friends, and i know i cant support them, and its driving me insane. i wanted to save a little...just a little..

fuck. just fuck. i feel like my arms are being scratched right at the inner elbow joint by sharp nails. i feel sick. and i wont open my mouth because i dont feel like its my place. i chose to be here i have no place in saying i dont think i can do this.

i should sleep. its three, and i know i wont sleep late. the sunlights been getting me up at nine no matter how late jenova keeps me awake with games or whatevers. boards...that arent talking...

im so hungry. i can feel it like a vice on my skull.

i can feel the fissures creeping around under my skin. i know im close to a crack. but i wont because ive told myself i cant affourd to. my friends couldnt affourd it. so i cant affourd it.

naturally the scratching is making me want to rip off my ears. i wish i did have a drink...it would help so much. just to take everything and throw it aside.

at least i have my computer. too bad i have to work out bugs tomorrow night on my sites, and do updates like that...itll be a while before i can write. hell...ill see if i even can. i dont know. i hvae so many ideas.

i want my raggie.

a glimpse at the living conditions
nurf. at least im not so sore. stuffs been loosened i think by sleepin on the floor. which is odd. vivi is trying to eat my headphone wires. myow. im going to pack a lunch to take to work today rather than spend money on it. im going to try to save as much as i can. sure, hordeing cash isnt a nice thing to do, but if i hold out then i can actually contribute something substantial in times of need.

attacking when you don't want to
the cetras been kind of dicking around jen. i dont think id be so upset if i wasnt seeing over a hundred parallels between what happened to me my senior year and this. i mean, i dont want to be involved, but i cant really help it. its messy and its bad and its just not kosher.

the 'suicide' attempt
yesterday was going to be uneventful. more of the cetra fucking with jenova but it was all going to be okay, because jen was done with her. the cetra decided to be amazingly mature and reply to my 'please dont fuck with jen like this, okay?' letter with 'if you ever want to be friends with me again and not talk about jenova blah blah...'

people are such fucking three year olds. but we figured it was okay.

boy, were we wrong.

hojo and i went out to get dinner and some mikes because i have been good and i will be good and my computer being a whore has givin me such a itching that i wanted to punch walls but wouldnt. in any case. so we went out.

we got mikes and we wasting time in the used bookstore. i was looking for more flinx books and a used copy of clockwork orange because i want to read it. hojo came over to the sci fi section with a team rocket book. and then the cell phone rang.

i was standing about two feet away but i could hear jenova screaming and crying to get home now. we ran. hojo said she had said something about cuts on her wrist and that shed resorted to this before. we flagged a cab who was, ironicly, reading a flinx book. i mentioned to him about dennis l. mckiernen as we drove. hojo tried to call the cetra to find out what the hell she said but her mother was screening calls to keep her darling innocent daughter out of all this. i was internally seething. i called adam and dispatched him as emergency calm to jenova via telephone. he has a calming quality and i know its not just me that knows it.

we pulled up at the building and jetted. jetted in and up the steps and there was jenova on the phone with adam still crying, her wrists a complete mess. she hadnt gotten deep enough to really hurt herself, and they were horizontal. i took off my bandana and soaked it and put it on her wrist and hojo got the paper towels in the meantime. she was bandaged and she told us what had happened. shaken up anyway...the cetra had called her the crisis that was destroying the world, said some really nasty things. all in all it rang quite true to what holly and greg did to me. so the cetra graduated from being hit with a wiffle bat to my wanting to turn her into mulch.

cid and trish came over to help cheer up jen and we watched harry potter and i drank my mikes and fell asleep and then we ate dinner. i think jens feeling better today, but i can only guess. what bothers her most now is the lack of closure.

speaking from being in the same place...the only closure shes going to get is that which she decides for herself. because the cetra is now enjoying this little drama and thinks painting herself as the victem will be fun. or soemthing sick like that. she wont let go. jen has to, on her own, and decide the closure in her own mind.

and i know shes probably not ready for that yet. shes where i was in march. scratching the walls of her own mind.

money and refusing to work

hojo overslept, so shes not going in. which while bad is also a good thing i think. jen alone might do what i did alone which is just BROOD. the more you think about that kind of thing the worse out it becomes. which is needlessly a bad thing.

i need to hit the bank to get money for the phone bill. wed save so much money if we could just fend for ourselves on food for a week or two but then again thats why im stick thin and docs think im anorexic.

some events
later we went by where i work and got day olds, and the sushi they were going to throw out. i dont even have a dollar right now o_< were kind of f ucked up the ass. the phone bil is done though. nyarrr har har. cid came by and we played for a bit. i fell asleep. tired me.

i picked up some hours for some girl this comin' friday. i went with BEAN to the plasma doner place. i thought maybe i c ould do it. and i cant. cause its just a little too ... bleh. i just cant deal with needles in my arms. at all. so i cant do that.

lack of sleep
i think im lonely.
i also think im an idiot, because as usual, when something bothers me, i cant say anything about it. like the tv or the light on for example. i just try to dig back into sleep making strangled keening sounds instead of actually asking it to be turned down. until i figure on sleeping outside, which naturally doesnt go over well.

and it didnt matter really anyway because once the tv did get turned off the ac kept me up. i dont do well in cold. i cant really help it that i had a headache and sounds were bothering me but i could have said something.

there are cuts inside my mouth, towards the back. big ones that hurt when i eat. theyre jagged and not healing. little sores that you just cant stop tonguing, as jack said.

i wish when people were mad at me theyd just hit me and get it all out, rather than skulking around for a while. im not even sure if jenova is mad at me about the tv thing. i know hojo will be at least, annoyed. jenova can huff though. but she can change so lightning quick i dont know if shes still going to be mad today or if it was one of her four minute rages.

betray your friends
ooooo *seeeeethe* today is going to not be a good one. i can tell. im very very full of malice towards people in general because im cranky. when the cetra came by yesterday she didnt say sorry she didnt ask how jenova was or anything. i guess the later i can expect. but i would THINK you would APOLOGIZE to your friends. instead of as youre leaving going 'if you ever wanna be friends with me again...you know...'

'you know' being 'deny jenovas existance.'

no money no food
or maybe im just bitter because i know that if we ate like my dad did when renee left him we could save tons of money. and yet were budgeting food like we HAVE extra. which we dont. tch...i dunno. i still think that it was a good suggestion to only have meat like once or twice a week. not only would it be easier on my guilty veggi concious, but it would be easier on our wallets.

hojo and i are such dudes in that respect. were prefectly content eating easymac and stale cereal for a week.

master and slave
im covering for one of my friends on saturday and sunday. today at work i quoted watto at that k id who sweeps floors. they all think im a sort of charming crazy there. being 'genki' is tiring sometimes. im mad inside, like now, and feeling cheerful again without doing anything with that gives me headaches and stomachaches. i wish the walls werent drywall so i could punch them. instead i lock down the anger. eventually someones going to push me over the edge. probably mom, who said i was 'acting weird' when i was trying to get her to shut up.

dude...youd act weird too if you were cooped behind a counter for 5 hours looking at money you cant have and dealing with sulky people who cant speak english well. and all you had to eat was candy cigs, some cheese doodles and a bottle of coke.

oh yes and in my personal opinion marie has problems. hojo made an interesting point thismorning. the way she writes about her 'visit' up here to get her things is as if she was expecting to 'rescue' us from jenova.

you cant have a hero complex and a dame complex at the same time. im sorry but in this world those dont mix. you cant be the victim and also the savior. it doesnt work. that isnt the reality. and ill say again what i said before.

when you make ripples in a pond, they move away from you at first. but eventually those ripples will hit the edge of the pond and bounce back at you.

normal relationships, really
the point i brought up when jen told me that marie is trying to attack her and hojos relationship on the principle that they fight and jen threatens divorce sometimes is pretty simple. i said this. 'sure she might have seen you threaten divorce twice. but on many more occassions ive seen you pick up the sword and say *mimes holding a sword to someones throat* 'into the bedroom, Cloud.''

'sparklie' is a shiny expensive rock or trinket
hojo and i left in the morning and went into town to get jenovas sparklie, which was on hold at one of the shops. combining the money adam sent and the money i had extra in my account, we were able to get it that day. jenovas been emotional lately so it would make her feel better. i cant blame her though. flur.

food? money?
that kid i make fun of gave me five dollars so i could eat. <3 him. whoever he is. i dont know his name.

im sleepy but only, i think, cause of working. i got off a half hour early and came home to find myself locked out and hojo and jenova asleep inside. i think. i scratched the door, and then went around back and meowed at the window. but nobody looked out so i sat on the steps out front til the sun went down, then came back up and knocked. then they opened.

im 50 cents short of running the laundry.

it starts baring down
its rather rancid in the apartment. and yet jen still wants a kitten. just...whatever. im sorry but rapidly as i can i need a vacation from my vacation. after arts fest, whenever the fuck that is, i plan to visit arby. i plan to mail some of my posessions schoolward this coming week. i also plan to find a way to contact my freakin' mother.

starting to crack
guess what, they cut my work hours in half again. oh, i am angry. i want to climb into unit 03 and rip them apart. little bit by little bit and scream DIIIIIIIIE at the town.

but i dont. because like all good little pilots, i have the ability to repress and to shut down. -_-

getting louder
on top of it all, i just learned marley died. so now both of my dogs are dead. even if marley was a stupid, ugly, loud boring coonhound who howled at nothing, he was still my goddamned dog and now hes dead. god fucking damnit all to fucking hell.

i want to ram a pole up the world. but instead im going to lock it down, and get over it, because i have to. i am so fucking SICK of having to do that though. im FUCKING SICK of doing what im told by unspoken orders. im sick of not knowing and feeling nothing but fucking disapointment.


fuck it all. just fuck it all.

and better
today someone stole my shoes.

oh life just gets better and better, dont it and i walk
ahhh...no better way to waste a tuesday night wher eyou were supposed to work but they fired you than pulling a true, blue (yellow?) kyotoshi.


finally able to contact people
*shifty glances*

i need to put a letter in the mailbox saying im not dead.

abuse is love
uh...on an update to situations, ther was a cookout and all was good. cids family isnt bad at all although i have my usual paranoia about his mom hating me. (i fear mothers) jen and hojo came by and it was...well flat out it seemed cool. but i guess it wasnt cause during the fireworks, which we were watching with them, jen spontaniously jumped up and slapped at ho jo yelled 'dont touch me!' and stormed off 'fuck you all!' and im like ooooookaaaaaaaay

i mean...jeez. lets set the record straight. shes a great person and all. i just cant live with her. ya know?

cetra emailed me. i guess now that ive seen things from her end of the fence, ill continue tight-rope walking along it. i tend to do that. but hopefully i can keep things cool on both ends.

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