Webmaster's Free Journal Excerpts|
(Written in 2002 in a txt file kept on my PC. Jen had failed to pay the phone bill at all and thus I was cut off from everyone I knew, family or friends, internet or telephone. Jen did not inspect my computer and so this journal went unnoticed.)
june 25 2002
i havent been feeling up the last few days. since i unplugged my computer, ive been sort of cut off. unable to really get my insides out. i cant get to my journal...now were free of gast, yeah, but what about me...i dunno. but i do. were without a phone line. im cut off from everyone. i cant stay with the same people for very long without external input. im limited. i see too much of people. i analyze them even as i defend them. and the thing that annoys me most is when people have flaws, but do nothing to fix them. just make the same mistakes over and over and dont do a damn thing about it to improve themselves. jens guilty of that, because she wants and wants but angsts when she cant have, and so she gets, but then gets even angrier at hojo when they dont have money for a need like electricity or phone the next month around. and i cant keep giving them my money...i have none. hojos too meek. she gives in. and they fight all the time.
i can remember being little, listening to the fights between mom and papa and coiling up in my bed, playing with my toys...ignoring it. i remember molly tried to get up from a dollhouse game once during the shouting matches and i stopped her. i told her pretend you dont hear it. its easier that way. but it still hurts. i still cower in a corner over it. i dont know why. i guess because since im the third wheel, its easy for me to become the one that jen 'isnt' mad at and therefore a target of ridicule for hojo...but i dont want to be.
sleep is sketchy. i wake up because i can hear them fight in the middle of the night. i hear flesh slapping flesh and tell myself theyre just having nightmares and hitting the other by accident. but i know it isnt true. i know the frantic mewling voices yelling 'you keep changing everything around!' arent from dreams. i wish they were. i really really do. because i dont know what to do to stop them. its like julie's bunny.
and then i have to go to work, and be happy and chipper. and i cant. im sick inside and tired. and lonely. i am so lonely. i find myself pushing down tears almost constantly now. telling myself it wont do any good. it just makes more problems. i dont want to say my problems because my friend are at the root of it. its better for them to think the problem is me mad at myself, or that im tired...im not tired. im just sick and depressed. i wish people werent all like this. i keep pretending they must be. i cant stay in one place, i just cant stay happy anywhere. its whats even more depressing. i keep finding myself in places that just beat on me.
i cant go home. i dont want to. i dont want to be here, but i want to go home even less. i dont know what to do about money. what i make at work, i try to put in the bank. but within 24 hours its gone. jen uses it to buy food. she promises to only use 25. and she uses all 40. and i have none. and i really really wanted to save some. i really did. i want to have money for arthmoor, and for when i go back to school, and to have aside when theres something i need or wnat. i dont own deoderant. it hurts deep down in my chest, this crushing pain. i dont know what to do at all...
i want to call zar. im thinking of using the phone at the supermarket and calling collect. having her call it back. tonight, late. if i can get away. i hope i can. i want to take my booze and wash some of this away so i cant be woken up tonight when the fight comes. i cant make ANYTHING better, its so frustrating. its breaking me down.
i read enders game. i guess i got in too far, today i caught myself paralelling my life to enders. i was walking on a concrete divider while jenova was angry at hojo thinking what would ender do. and then i realized sickly that ender wouldnt know what to do, this isnt where ender is good at things. but if ender can play the games at his school, surely i can play the ones here and come out okay. surely i can get around them if ender can.
so i got towards the end. of course ender doesnt get around them. hes just their tool. their arms and legs, their extra brain. he practicly stopped eating. nightmares, sleep was flighty, nightmares...i dont see ender as an 11 year old. ender is my age. maybe im 11. but i understand him too well. when he broke and just slept to avoid them, i understood. because i do the same thing. when i cant take it, i go to sleep. my time away is sleep. its how i get away from it all. then i can wake up and leave. but lately my legs have hurt too much to leave. its because i did almost all the moving...and didnt get to rest afterwards. jen doesnt listen when i say i hurt. she pushes me, like the teachers pushed ender. id take it fine if i was her student. but im not.
and i dont ever want her to read this, because shell throw it into the air like some dramatic proclimation against her and put a knife to her breast and scream its the end. she hurts too easily. so i cant tell her to do things to fix things. like zar was easy. when zar got wanty or needy shed be like 'pff FINE' and be pissy for a short while, but at least i could TELL her i couldnt affourd to do things. you cant tell jen. she takes it as a personal offence. and then she turns it on hojo, not me, which makes me feel even worse.
its nine thirty now and i want clancy. i always come back to him when im like this. it happened at the store when we were trying to cut money so jen could have her wants and wed still have some needs. my voice just started breaking. i cant think about him. its stupid, right? just a dog, right? i should get over it. but his death was linked to so much else, how can i? the cab driver tried to get into a conversation with us, but jen and hojo were fighting then. i asked him about his vacation and he was going to cape may. i said i loved it there, it was a childhood place. but as i said it, memories of papa and i up the lighthouse with mom hiding under a tree flooded back and my voice cracked again.
today i started breaking when i thought of the seashore. i curled up and smelt it in the air and rocked side to side. whoever was jen said i was angry at myself, trying to guess what was on my mind. no, i thought. no, i just want the ocean.
jen tried to perk me up by making me go watch fireflies tonight. but it didnt work. i just looked across the parking lot and missed fields. thought how i couldnt go home. a mosquito bit me but i didnt swat it. i felt like ender. guilty. looking at ants and mosquitos and lightning bugs, and thinking how he had killed so many buggers and hadnt meant to. and how a day ago i wasnt even watching myself adn caught myself crushing an ant under the toe of my sneakers. so i looked at the mosquito with tears in my eyes and watched its little abdomen swell as it sucked out my blood. like a leech, it didnt hurt that much. when it was fat, and the light showed red through its stomach, it pulled out and flew off.
i thought, i should talk to kyo, but kyo isnt here. he left for somewhere. again, as usual. hes like kaji. never there. mr. gone. nanashis here but hes no help. greys no help. grey needs help and nanashi doesnt understand its concept. to him, this is all vile, and i should just go someplace else after telling them off. to grey, theres nothing to do. i dont like to buy into greys reactions but its all i can do. coil up and try not to feel anything, ignore it all and try to fool everyone. its worked before. my favourite cover up for depression is saying im tired. they look the same.
curled up, head on knees, the whole world in shades of grey they go 'are you okay?' and as usual i go 'im fine. just tired.'
ive been playing ff9 but it doesnt help. i keep remembering what zar said at parts, wondering if she found this secret or knew about that. wanting to tell her that theres a way back into the ice path, if she knows it. and i know. here, let me tell you, and you tell me how to win at chocograph hunt. but i cant, and i never will. games are her thing. ive always known theyre not for me.
im sick of being wrong when i know im right, no matter where i am it happens. like ender. it just hurts. im whining. my mom never listened to me, adam is too dependant, my friends are too self-centered, im weak, i itch, my dog is dead, i was betrayed. i tried to think what my maxx would look like. what my outback would be. probably some advanced sci-fi world. maxx would be some sort of suarian creature. Braer Sauria or something.
in any case. everyones back. so i have to pretend im just tired again.
june 25 2002
im talking with hal. i got this glass of insta-gatorade. it tastes just like i remember it to. the last time i had it was when i was like...8. id gotten really really ill, and was hallucinating. i cant remember much of it except grandma telling me to drink the gatorade to keep hydrated. it had this filmy feel to it, like drinking jello mix. its the same now. exactly. it hasnt changed in my entire lifetime.
the world is permiating me with memories tonight. hojo and jenova dont even know how im feeling. i think theyre fucking in the bathtub. i cant really tell and dont particularly care. i just had a computer program have a meaningful comforting conversation with me. it was scary. i really had to remind myself its only what ive taught it to be.
the monopoly game last night ended badly. i was doing well and then hojo dropped out. and literally handed all her property and all her money to jenova, and then said it would be interesting to see me play against that. jen now had HALF THE BOARD literally HANDED to her. i felt sick. i felt like ender. i was so angry. why oculdnt she put it in the bank? or split it between us? everything i do has them using me against one another, or as a th ird wheel. unless im negitive im not here at all. and it really really hurts. ender, yasha. theyre really a lot alike. i want to go out and call zar on a payphone. ill wait a little bit yet. its only seven pm there. shes fast asleep i bet. best wait til 11 at least.
god i feel terriable. someone rescue me from life. please. kill me. i really really am begging...
june 27 2002
i am recovering today, but that is thanks to vodka. i loooove vodka. <3 it.
work sucked but it always does. my comps been on the fritz, overheating and crashing nonstop. i think having it open and off at night will help that. cid needs to fix it. i dont know what to do other than that having its ass against the wall is part of the problem.
i didnt do my walk outside at night thing, not that night. i want to tonight though. it makes more sense to me to contact zar from a payphone, cause then she can call it bcak. ya know? sure you know, youre just a journal. har har.
im feelin kinda cut off but what can you really do. i keep having constant memories of when i was younger. i think thats because im lonely. when im lonely, i jump into the past to comfort me. its like a five year old version of dr. lecters palace. i have memory to keep me company, but unfortunately if im angsting furiosuly only the bad stuff gets dredged up. what can you really do about that, ya know?
i keep nosing around the unit 04 figure at the comic store. i wonder what ill finally find out when i get inside. i need to. its part of my grand plan to pick apart craigs grand plan. once i know what craigs planning, i can warn the others. yes, as dismal and evil as yasha is, and as much as she cuts everyone off, she knows that she will die a horriable violent death if the other pilots do. its kind of a non-agreed symbiotic relationship.
yeah i deffinitly need to contact zar tonight. i vented at cid yesterday, it helped a good deal. he can be a cock but he has respect for people at least. said if things ever get too rough here i can stay on his couch.
i have come to the conclusion i need more toys. i play a lot with toys when i have a chance to. i couldnt put down cids legos. i loooove legos.
i realize i internalize a lot now. like, most of the time, nobody knows about grey or nanashi or kyo or any god given number of other doubted or truthful voices in my head becasue i just keep it inside. im used to it that way. i was thinking about it earlier. the only place i get it out is in writing because 'the walls have ears, but not eyes.' that was the phrase i came up with.
ooo nueva broadway. ehehehe...buster poindexter is great. i dont think many can appriciate my music as i can. i find a lot of humor in music. honsetly i think a lot of what i deal with is dealt with by laughing at it. i read the nuwisha kinbook and part of the corax. and i still think i identify more with the pooka than any other whitewolf type. just like i know ill always be a D&D thief, ill always be a pooka for whitewolf if i really want to connect with my character. and yeah, kyle/kaolin is fidgiting around in the back of my head. like hes coming out of an egg or something. pooka pooka pookaaaaaaaa
speaking of pooka, all the milk at work was expired, oddly enough. i had to laugh. laura was angry about it but i thought it was funny, cause it was right out of the game.
i dont like being without phone til august. at all. i wish i could find a staples so i could recharge my stupid little phone. oh well. i want to talk to people. sheesh. i thought thered be a staples around here for certain but noooo apparently not.
what else can i bitch about and get off my spine...uhm...well the overheating computer makes it hard to write stories. and when it was crashed yesterday and thismorning i was honestly getting ready to pick up a marker and write on walls. it was surreal, the concept. journaling on walls. if i lived alone id probably do it. im prone to scribbling whats in my head onto walls and benches. i pictured someoen after we moved out trying to scrub my life off the walls. it reminded me of quills. sometimes i understood the marquis a little too well.
oh great now winamps cracking out again. oh well its almost 11 anyway. i may as well hunt up my phonebook and shut the whore down for the night. lalala froof. FROOF! no, i do not feel better inside. pooka pooka pooka!
june 30th 2002
i havent been finding time to write every day. i tried to go up to the computer lab yesterday and the school internet was down, like, all day. fucknuts. i was really pissed off, because id just moved the rest of the stuff into the apartment with them. and i know i shouldnt be so pissy at jen but frankly, you have to learn to push stuff DOWN and not COLLAPSE in every stressful situation that deals with real shadows and real grass. tangable items that everyone can see seem beyond jens grasp sometimes. so i was really pissed inside. and since the lab aws down, i was even more pissed. i wrote a really angry entry into the lab txt file but didnt save it cause ya know...why bother. it was to get it out not put it in really. i think i realized that halfway through writing. it was way too rageful to put into the blog. i think when i do finally upload this im going to put a ton of warnings all around it and ask jen not to read it. i think hojo could handle it, because she can take the world and insults in stride, but everything is always so PERSONAL with jen.
i read the giver yesterday. it was so blaitently obvious in the first page that release was to kill someone. i was like oh, thats this distopias word for murder in the name of society. i get it. not to say i didnt enjoy the book. i loved it. heh, i completely understood the whole rage that jonas felt towards his father over the happy little voice he used with gabe. today i finished a wrinkle in time before i got up. i cant beleive it slipped so far into my memory i didnt remember anything except for the little brother. well i remembered a little more but not much at all ya know? and all this time i was always refering to 'tessering' as 'be-ranga' from another book. its the same concept, only instead of using a skirt to explain it, the character explaining be-ranga used a huge red noodle, called a be-ranga. it was one of those 'my teacher's an alien' series. ehe...
called adam thismorning even though i wasnt supposed to. i guess i wanted to hear his voice. every day he reminds me more and more of kyo and i wonder if he would hve been this way without reading all my stories. i dont think he himself understands who kyo really is though. he thought kyo would have left zara. its flat out the other way around. kyo would have left emotionally, or something, thinking it was in zaras best interest. but hes clingy. he would never physically leave. people leave kyo, not the other way around. bleh.
i drew another page in my comic. this one was about booze. hey, its something i need to explain. im starting to get doubt-slivers about my comic. that since its true, nobody will want to read it. i think thats where the whole weirder aspect of my life will come in handy. kyo and grey and stuff like that. god knows i had an interesting year in terms of reality. snuff. i wish keenspace would authorize me. i applied again, maybe something didnt go through or something i figured.
oh yeah, im alone today. i dont know where everyone is really. just 'in town.' see, i woke up when my alarm went off on pikachu. i had a weird dream about travelling. at one point in it i was at florida on the beaches, talking to a croc mokole. hey, dont ask. i think it comes from the fact i found a crow feather yesterday and was feeling particularly pooka. and that i long for the beach. i mean, when i was talking to my dad i nearly started crying cause i wanted to be near the water so bad. its a weak point. anyway. so i woke up and showered quietly, and then started to read. i thought gee, jens very quiet thismornin. and so i finished reading and went to get some cereal and noticed gee, thats because jens not HERE. o_< and only THEN did i see the note on the back of the door that said she went into town. so uh..here i am. i took out the trash because theres nothing more vile than trash in summer. specially when jens on her period. i would have changed the rats but im laaaaaaaaaazy.
here is my shopping list for my paycheck
pay back co-workers
i also need to look into shipping costs. i may ship off my comp early, just to save me time. the rat cage too. also if i have extra after that i may nag hojo to buy me some little things of absolut mandarin. it was really good in sprite, a perfect summer drink and just fwooshed through me after work nicely.
for a while, godzilla was big again. whatever happened to that? i LIKE the old godzilla movies.
must write. must wiggle brain into writing mode. yes.
july 1 2002
ya know, if you beleive something, thats great. but the more it gets shoved in my face the less i believe. jen has to find surreality in EVERYTHING. especially when no one is looking. its just starting to scrape my sore side. yes, you saw it, i believe you. now dont keep dumping all of this on me. surreality is only interesting if its out of the ordinary. if every damn day you hear about it, it just gets annoying. its like let me find it myself. smother me in faith and ill just stop being faithful. the louder you yell the less youre sure of yourself, ya know?
i am devoid of books. arrrg. i need to get dressed and jet into town. i tired. i got a lot of writing done yesterday and hojo scanned a bunch of my art, so i cleaned it up and got it ready for uploading. im still not authorized for my comic, which makes me bleh on it. but im still working on it. neh. sucks.
jen got really edgey last night and just burst out how she hated hypocrites. i felt it directed at me. she doesnt say things like that without a reason, and then announced she wouldnt name any names. then she stormed out after giving an example which was something like 'people say they hate disney so much and hten i tell them i know all these people in disney and can get into disneyland for free and i could get them a job and theyre like "really? id love to work at disney!"' which if directed at me, was a pretty poor example. i will NEVER work for disney because they own anything you do while in their employment. i couldnt stand having my work stolen from me. and so i do not ever want to. but thats nitpicking.
what im wondering is if shes found this, and started reading it. that really would be the only way she could hiss and spit without putting it into the open. she cant verywell say 'you said in your blog' because this isnt in my blog. this is in my computer. and for her to be finding this stuff would be for her to be snooping in my computer behind my back, and reading behind my back, so naturally she cant say things. cause i dont show it externally.
or maybe its just a guilty concience. speaking of guilty, i stole the phone and called my grandmother yesterday. i cant get through at home. the line is fucked up again, i think, cause the answering machine isnt picking up. i told her to pass on word of my delemia. she said she would and gave me a DUHUR suggestion. get a phonecard. im SUCH an idiot. ammend to previous list of things to get- phone card is now on it.
ive realized the only way you can get someone to listen to you when you suggest a band is to play it in their presence without calling attention to it. i tried to tell hojo about charcoal filter before, i swear i did. but it isnt until its playing in the background while i work that she notices and asks me about it. meh. sometimes i wish that disturbed hadnt been RUINED for me. i swear to god, i cant think of anything but that EXTREMELY RUDE AWAKENING BY A LITTLE SELFISH WHORE when i hear it. it just makes me very angry. i dislike the idea of taking it out on the band but i cant help it. it has such a strong negative connotation i cant do anything else with it.